The Dance of the Naked Monkeys

Posted: August 18, 2015 in Eve Online
Tags: , , , , , ,

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The Dance of the Naked Monkey. It is perhaps one of Eve’s most impressive courting rituals. It typically begins with the gentle seduction of a warp disrupter gently stroking a ship’s warp drive abilities. It then turns into a full on massage of guns, missiles and drones stroking the hull. It continues faster and faster, with one side trying to stave off the inevitable explosion and the other side overheating harder and harder until finally something pops leaving a gooey pod floating in space.

This particular story begins with an older whore by the name of Kasken. This fine fellow returned from a long hard day at work. Upon arriving back at his domicile and completing the nightly ritual of praying to Bob, he patiently awaited some sort of action beyond putting a small screaming child to bed. Then, when all hope appeared lost, his Jabber went off with the Horn of Gondor. Hostile caps were tackled. Kasken did what any normal male would do when faced with the prospect of free kills. He screamed like an excited four year old girl who was receiving the best chocolate cake ever (legit, I’ve witnessed it) and jumped into his trusty Cerberus. BWF-ZZ was incredibly distant, a good eight jumps, so instead he took a titan bridge and leaped into system missiles blazing in premature fury. Missiles spurted in every direction, whoring on all ships that were hostile, possibly a few that weren’t. Victory was achieved, a killing blow was earned.

Moros

Overall Lawn lost the fight, as it was a blap dread being used to wreck the Macherial fleet that was messing around, but Kasken did indeed achieve a personal victory of snatching a kill with a Cerberus in fleet. Op success!

revenge ofthedronesThe following night, following the immense satisfaction of a previous conquest, a small group of swarming Vexors strolled into Vale of the Silent.  They, hoping to follow in the Great Kasken’s Footsteps (worthy of capitalization) managed to tackle a Lawn carrier. Kasken charged forth with the roaming fleet that was out and went to brawl in the noblest of causes. Nay, not defense of a carrier, but additional killmails and efficiency on zkill. Baiting with a nano Typhoon, designed to shoot from afar, Kasken jumped into their fleet at zero on a gate and was immediately primaried. I started melting quickly, since the buffer fit was designed for kiting. A hero Scythe began to rep the Typhoon who bravely MJDed away from the fight to save his own skin.

He did eventually get back into it, and the hostile fleet was obliterated at a zero cost with the exception of some ammo sacrificed to the Aztec gods of Eve virginity.

Incredible Amazing Overpowered Tiny Battle Report

After the glory achieved, Kasken was indeed spent. He spent some time recuperating, recovering, and preparing for the next incredible epic of Eve. Something more worthy than even Beowulf, a ballad of legends. Then the call came. An inter-LAWN FFA to win the most expensive of Eve prizes… an Ashimu. T1 cruisers were called and the brawl was decided upon. Approximately 15 pilots were thrown into the ring, with the survivor earning the Ashimu. People began brawling, kiting, and trying to kill each other in what amounted to a full blown Civil War. Kasken decided upon the absolute best and bravest course of action, running away with the Stabber.

As people died horribly, screaming, crying, and begging for forgiveness, Kasken bravely flitted around the outskirts of the fray, killmail whoring and taking potshots at people close to death to increase his own ego. Finally, with only a handful of ships left on the field, Kasken dove in to achieve the fame and glory that were rightfully his after holding on the edge of the field for a long time. First a Caracal went down, then an Exequorer. Sadly, Kasken might have slightly overestimated his own ability and underestimated ranges, allowing himself to be  warp scrambled and webbed. This allowed the evil cowardly PlexedLive to take a final parting shot, betraying his blood brother for something as simple as an Ashimu.

Lawn Civil Warimg-prostitution-car

Yesterday, Kasken again went to work, because this whole not being super rich thing gets old. He returned home after picking up the strange creature known as his child, and fed her a diet of kielbasa, ketchup and cucumbers. This was so she could gain her strength while learning to farm isk for the head of household. Once more, the Jabber pings went off indicating hostile caps were tackled. Kasken performed his usual WHORE TIME routine and once again got bridged in with his Cerberus. Once again the mighty, and incredibly talented Kasken was able to arrive on the field, anchor, and hit F1 far better than a well trained monkey.

Whoring Objectives Achieved

The Lawn + Bastion losses were enhanced by a Sin who was told not to jump in, did, and proceeded to die to bombers. This same Sin pilot then got trolled out of Mumble. With yet another evening spent, our Lord and Lobster King Kasken, expected an evening of recuperation and relaxation. Things do not always go as planned and instead a nano roam went out, with Kasken leading his glorious men to certain doom. Doom, Doom, Doooooooom.

We flew through at least twenty systems with everyone fleeing us before us screaming of the impending elite forces descending upon them. The almighty fleet, aka The Claw of the Crustacean God arrived in their destination D-I9HJ.  At this point the fleet did the only logical course of action, and waited for the evil horde of enemies to form specifically to fight us. And indeed they did. They dropped a fleet of roughly twice our numbers, higher tech ships, and designed to wreck nano ships.

The Claw managed to stay on grid, long after they were supposed to, earning kill after kill while sacrificing themselves to the whelp gods. Kiting, running, warping, and screams of Jihad or “I’m down” filled the Mumble services. Rather than retreat, like intelligent people would do, instead the Claw fought endlessly, achieving a non existent isk efficiency in order to increase enemy morale.

Operation Success

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On a more serious note, it’s been a pretty fun week. Stories will slow down in a bit, as my wife is expected to pop with another Pod pilot soon, which will probably cut down my ability to play for a bit. A newborn makes it a bit harder to lead fleets and kill things, while remaining safe from the ravages of a tired and angry wife. Not the good ravages either…

Hopefully the next week continues to be some solid fun fights. Last week was a decent mix of small gang, fleet combat, and decent kills so let’s hope that trend continues!

The Once and Future Lobster King

Kasken

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